Single Person, Attached- Thoughts

After having read the "Single Women of the World -- Do not give up " blog, it made me think and review my own thoughts on the topic. I sympathize with many of the thoughts shared there. So single unattached peeps, you may enjoy the discourse.

Anyway,-- here are my thoughts.

I've been single for a long time. I'm 30, and only started seriously dating a very special person this year. I'm no expert in dating, as being a Christian sometimes limits one from being a serial dater. So, having been single and unattached for the most part of my adult life, I've had many headaches when I've considered the whole "what's wrong with Christian men?" issue.

It also didn't help that I attend a large church with a large singles ministry. I think peer pressure can be very felling when surrounded by an abundance of attractive single people, all seemingly seeking God, educated and in pursuit of relationships. It can be a bit of a meat market.

It took me several failed attempts at relationships (wasted crushes), bad run-ins with men who didn't deserve me, and bouts of insecurity, angry rants and railings against the perceived sad state of the Christian man (as witnessed in my singles ministry circles) before I decided that I was sick and tired of dealing with it.

Some things I learned along the way... (just sharing my experience, not dictating other people do it my way) I had to learn to manage my expectations. Realized as much as I expected Mr. Perfect to exist, that, well, he doesn't. Just as much as Christian men have unrealistic expectations of Christian women, I realized that I had my own unmet expectations. I also realized that my expectations were causing me to feel "let down" by God. I also realized that my expectations of myself were not being met as a result. I think in Christian culture, women are expected to fulfill a certain role, to be wives and mothers. The cultural church seems to place a lesser value on single people and women who have not taken their place in the world are, even moreso, often left to feel a bit outcast and a lesser citizen in the church. A single woman doesn't exactly fit into the 9am Wednesday morning women's bible study, for instance. This can lead to a devluation of the self. I know, I was there and have struggled with this whole thing.

I hesitate to be formulaic, but I know I needed to come to terms with my singleness before I could cope with life. It wasn't because I had a perception that "if I can give this up to God, He'll bring me someone" (a kind of insincere piety, magic formula thing if you ask me)... it was more about being comfortable with who I am, and trusting God. Period.

I was tired of going in circles with the "yes, I'm content, I don't need anyone, I am strong, God is enough" and the "Surely God must want me to be happy and learn to love someone. I need to work at finding someone so that I can say I've done my part." There was also the "Men suck. There's no way this is gonna happen, because there are so few good men out there. The rest are wimps and afraid of women." Oh man, I was just tired about wondering.

When I reached the conclusion that I needed to plain, flat-out trust God with the singleness, it was painful. I mourned the acceptance of the fact that I may never meet Mr. Right. I had to give up all my notions, my expectations, and all my control on the matter. That was the only way I could figure out how to cope with it. I cried, I was depressed, I grieved. Seriously, I bawled for weeks on this. It was private and I kind of dropped out of the social loop for awhile in order to see more clearly. I don't know if I'd recommend this to everyone, but for me, I know I needed to let it go.

What's curious about things now, is that I'm actually in a dating relationship with someone. And for what it's worth, I'm actually very glad I went through what I went through. I think I needed to reach the conclusion of needing to trust God completely with this area of my life. I feel less insecure, and I think because I've decided that my value to God doesn't change because of a man's love, that I am better able to be someone my boyfriend likes doing life with. Maybe it's because I gave up desperation, which admittedly, I had in abundance before I made my above conclusions. And as I understand it, guys can smell desperation a mile away. When they smell it, they flee. Hmm.

And I'm pretty pleased too. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I expect him to do his best to trust God with our relationship. I don't feel I had to lower my standards, I don't feel I got the short end of the stick, so to speak. Besides having much in common, and a decent amount of the chemistry factor, I have a quality man who is decisive, proactive, concerned about God and as a result of his own willingness to take up the mantle of manliness (ok, sounds cheesy, but it's true), has allowed me to feel like a woman in the relationship.

Granted, life has no guarantees... so I hesitate to appear puppy-love-ish, speak too soon and regret what I've said. We feel good about where things are and we'll see where things go, but it is much better now that I trust God with it. Yay.