The Critical Optimist

Just being reflective...

The glass is half full.
But there are little flecks of stuff in it. drat.

I think this sums up my outlook on life. Capiche? Generally, I consider myself an optimist--most of the time I try to find the good in things, the silver lining, the lesson in the tragedy, that kind of thing. But then, I guess because I have guilt over feeling too good, a subtle cynicism creeps in there, or maybe an expectation that the other shoe is going to drop. Sometimes I chalk it up to being realistic, or being cautious, or wanting to be the voice of reason in the chaos. And we all know, it is uncool to be an optimist. Maybe it has to do with the cliche of an overly happy person who's also dim-witted, and not knowing whether to attribute the happiness to the lack of IQ (think dumb blonde jokes) and then confusing happiness with optimism. Somehow, being depressed, pessimistic, sarcastic helps one to be perceived as cool and serious. Maybe it's an artsy thing, maybe its still a gen X thing, I don't know.

Had some conversations with some friends yesterday in which we were discussing areas of complacency and anxiety in our lives. Since we were being reflective, I admitted that I have a tendency to be overly critical when I don't want to be. That it somehows affects my generally positive outlook on life. I guess the question in my mind was "Why do I have to allow some small thing ruin what is already good?" It's like I'm not really all that thankful for what I've been given-- because I'm afraid it will be taken away, or that it's all too good to be true. Things haven't always been easy- I've made mistakes, I've had my share of difficult circumstances, but things have finally sorted themselves out-- and for the last couple of years, things have gotten progressively better. However, with every success in the last couple of years, I've felt like it's been tempered by a fear of God- that He will find my enjoyment to be a sin and therefore, to discipline me, allow some horrible thing to happen to keep me in check. Cognitively, and biblically, I know God isn't like that, but I am frustrated that this is a pattern that I can't shake.

Anyhow,... that's my deep thought of the day. What can I say? I'm a work in progress.