Not Superwoman

Recurring pattern - resolve not to get too obligated, too involved, over committed to too much. Result: often put pressure on myself to be the perfect everything to everyone, possibly culminating in a frazzled, tired, weepy, emotional me.

Had a good chat w/ some women at bible study last night. Was able to explain some of the pressures in my life and tried to put my finger on what it really is the reason I've been feeling out of balance and a little overwhelmed.

With family in town and not living at home any longer, I guess I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to "do the right thing" even though no one has said anything to me directly about "performing" my role as the oldest, responsible one. I feel it's more... implied. It's Chinese Guilt Syndrome (CGS), lumped in there w/ the vestiges of filial piety and collectivism, etc. Feel bad that I'm not around more to entertain and help, and that it's not possible for me to take off more time from work to do so. Also, work has been rather intense lately and I was just given a significant raise that I suspect is meant to also motivate me to work harder. Lots of very key meetings where I actually play a crucial and very visible part of the strategic planning... so that's another pressure.

And, lastly, I feel likeI'm losing my usual support network. So trying to deal with all these changes in my life isn't as easy as it usually is. I am grateful for what I have, but I am perceiving that friends seem to be unavailable or non-responsive since I've started dating. Maybe it's just a summer thing, maybe people are busy too. But I can't help but feel, after many non-returned phone calls, that some people either resent that I'm not longer part of the unattached singleton crowd or that they think my whole life now revolves around dating and that I'm too busy to be bothered. Maybe it's 'cause a lot of friends I have are still very single and maybe unhappily unattached vs. married or coupled. I wouldn't trade John for a million friends, but I'm frustrated that I've been trying to keep up with people who aren't returning the effort. True, I have less time, but I still have time. I like to feel included. And it's not just because I have a boyfriend- I have family pressures and other obligations too, just like anyone else. I do know how it is to watch other people find someone and feel left out. I have not forgotten and I am doing my best to keep up with people so that they don't lose yet another friend to the all-consuming dating phenomenon, but also 'cause I need the fellowship and support of the people I've known and invested in for quite some time, many for several years. Having someone special in my life is great,... but there's no way I'd expect any one person, not even Mr. Right, to handle all my needs. Some of the women I talked to yesterday explained that they too started feeling the same way when they started dating ... they observed it seems to be a phenomenon among the people in our young adult fellowship. Basically- you start dating, you get excluded because you have disrupted "the family." argh.

Just needed to vent a little. Was feeling emotional and frazzled and then after I had those conversations yesterday I realized that I'm completely normal and that you know, I need to let go some more, and not worry so much about performing to a self-perceived standard. I think as an oldest kid, as someone who is responsible and has a tendency to be a people-pleaser, I have to not take so personally the disappointment of others. People will be disappointed w/ me- it's a fact of life. I'll do what I can to not intentionally disappoint people, but will resolve to be a better steward of my energies, time and resources as God has given them to me. The other thing I need to learn how to do is be specific about stating what I need. I've improved over the years, but I could use some improvement in not getting ahead of myself and forgetting to take the time I need to maintain sanity.

I am not Superwoman. I think I'm happier that way. :)